


Never Mind the Magic

by hjcallipygian



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, F/M, Gen, M/M, Punk Rock, Rousing Guitar Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-11
Updated: 2005-07-11
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:36:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1955322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hjcallipygian/pseuds/hjcallipygian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mid-seventies witnessed the birth of punk. Follow London punk band The Marauders -- James (Prongs), Sirius (Padfoot), Tom (Lord Voldemort), and Remus (Moony), with their one-handed roadie Peter (Wormtail) -- as they rise to fame and fortune and disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Mind the Magic

**Author's Note:**

> This is somehow concurrently the worst, best, and one of the most popular things I've ever written. 
> 
> Basically, this is the result of cold medicine combined with recently watching both Velvet Goldmine and Sid & Nancy. Beware the peril.

Tom Riddle got the gig with the Marauders because Peter Pettigrew -- called "Wormtail" when he played with the band -- lost his hand in a riot at one of their shows. Riots broke out regularly at the Marauders' shows; the band incited them. Sirius and James -- "Padfoot" and "Prongs," Tom was supposed to remember to call them -- thought that riots at a show were totally punk. They were completely jealous of Wormtail when he showed up with a metal hook in place of the lost hand.

Tom had to get a new name when he joined the band. He thought the entire process was ridiculous; he just wanted to make music. He loved the energy of punk, the raw sounds and melodic disharmony of it all. He bought his guitar years ago, back before he dropped out of Hogwarts without finishing his A-levels, and still only knew five chords. It didn't matter to him; he could make the sounds he wanted to make and let the energy of the crowd consume him.

Sirius and James didn't think that way, though. They were all about the scene, like there would be a scene without the music. Sirius played bass, and James was the vocalist, as "singer" would be a misnomer in his case. He was completely drunk or stoned or on some other drug hours before the show started, and just grunted and cursed violently into the microphone for half an hour to an hour -- regardless of whether the rest of the band was playing -- before he threw the microphone, often at someone in the front row, and dove into the crowd to hit whomever he could get close enough to.

Sirius always followed James down into the pit, without fail. This left Tom and the drummer, Moony, alone on stage. Tom used this time to play a rousing guitar solo and kick the face of anyone who tried to get up onto the stage. Moony, whose real name Tom didn't actually know, just beat on the drums for all he was worth. Tom wasn't sure if he realized that half the band was on the floor punching and kicking the crowd, along with Wormtail, who mostly remembered to refrain from stabbing anyone with his hook hand.

Tom took the name Lord Voldemort for the band. He meant it to be a mockery of their need for nicknames -- clearly, they wanted to be like Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious, and the various Ramones -- but Prongs and Padfoot went on and on about how punk it was to have a name which mocked aristocratic authority and the landed gentry of English history.

Lord Voldemort hated them. But the band was getting more and more popular, and had to be honest -- he liked the attention.

:#:

Prongs met Lily Evans at a show in Liverpool. He became enamored of her red hair from the moment he walked on stage and caught a glimpse of her in the front row. Twenty minutes in, some fat bloke with no shirt caught her with an elbow to the back of the head, and Prongs threw the microphone at him and followed it with a flying tackle off the stage. Together, Lily and Prongs kicked the shit out of the fat bloke, then fucked on the stage while Lord Voldemort stood over them, delivered a rousing guitar solo, and kicked the face of anyone who tried to get too close. It was really quite romantic, all the Marauders agreed.

The next day, Lily quit her job and followed the band to every show.

:#:

Prongs pulled the chord tight around his arm with an expert twist of his neck, and slid the needle into the vein which popped up with his free hand. Lily Evans leaned back against the sofa next to him, her eyes glassy and her hair splayed everywhere. Prongs made a contented sound as the heroin entered his bloodstream, and Lily giggled.

Wormtail burst into the backstage room, a manic grin on his face. "Guys, you're not gonna believe this!" he said.

Padfoot and Moony sat up. "Believe what?" Padfoot asked.

"Albus Fucking Dumbledore is here tonight," Wormtail announced.

This caught even Prongs's attention. He jerked up to his feet, and knocked Lily to the floor, where she giggled even more. He ignored her. "Dumbledore's here? The music critic?" Wormtail nodded vigorously, and Prongs shook his head, as if to clear it. "Are you bloody shitting me, mate, because you better not be."

"He's here, and he talked to me," Wormtail said. "He wants to interview the band after the show."

Padfoot jumped up to his feet with a loud yell. He grabbed hold of Prongs and spun him around. "Bloody hell, mate! You hear that? Fucking _Dumbledore_ wants to talk to us!"

Prongs laughed and struggled out of Padfoot's arms. He knelt down onto the floor beside Lily, who looked up at him adoringly. "You hear that, love? The fuckin' Marauders are gonna be famous, just like I told you."

Lily smiled and kissed him. "Oh, James, you really are amazing," she said.

The rest of the Marauders froze.

"James?" Padfoot said, his voice ice-cold.

Prongs flinched, then kissed the tip of Lily's nose. "We need to get ready for the show, love. Why don't you go out and get yourself a good spot in the crowd?" Lily nodded, stood, and left the room. Prongs watched her go, then turned to face Padfoot's wrath.

"So she gets to call you James, does she?" Padfoot said.

Prongs shrugged. "She tricked me, mate."

Padfoot nodded in mock understanding. "Right, of course. What did she say?"

"Exactly?"

"Yes. Exactly."

"Er, I believe it was, 'Can I call you James instead of that stupid Prongs thing?'" Prongs said sheepishly.

Padfoot stared at Prongs in disbelief, physically unable to actually speak. After a moment, Moony said, "I fail to see the tricky part of that question, Prongs."

Prongs spun around to face Moony. "It was all in the presentation!"

"Oh, do tell," Padfoot snapped.

"She took off her clothes, and then she took off my clothes, and then she gave me a blowjob," Prongs explained. He counted off the three steps on his fingers.

"That's the trick?" Moony asked.

Prongs nodded. "It was a really good blowjob," he offered.

"I assume that's when you agreed, then?" Lord Voldemort drawled.

"Well, I don’t right remember, but given the circumstances, I'm sure I agreed to anything and everything," Prongs said.

"Damn," Padfoot said. "How come I didn't think of that when you still let me give you blowjobs? That bird's right devious."

Prongs smiled. "Yeah," he said, clearly smitten with the thought of Lily. "She really is."

"I think I'm going to vomit," Lord Voldemort said.

"Right behind you," Wormtail said.

:#:

Three nights later, Voldemort walked in on Padfoot and Moony fucking. They had two bedrooms at the apartment, and there was no question of whether Prongs and Lily were stoned and fucking in the other one. So he went out into the living room to hang out with Wormtail.

After a few bottles of cheap wine, the truth came out: they both secretly fancied Joni Mitchell.

"You know, you know," Wormtail slurred, pointing his hook vaguely in the direction of one of the four Voldemorts currently in front of him, "the thing is, you know, that Joni Mitchell is a great musician! And sensitive. She, she is -- she is..."

"Sensitive!" Voldemort stated emphatically.

"Exactly!"

"You know, my mother, she -- she never really loved me," Voldemort said.

"That's terrible," Wormtail said.

"Yeah. And my father, he was a jerk." Voldemort took a long drink from the wine bottle. "But Joni, I could always count on her, you know?"

Wormtail nodded sagely. "Yeah. I know."

"We should start a folk band. I'll play guitar, and you can sing."

"Yeah!" Wormtail accidentally poked Voldemort in the chest with his hook hand, but Voldemort was too drunk to notice.

"And we can be done with this shtupid band, and shtupid names, and play music like Joni does," Voldemort continued. "This used to be punk, but now it's just shite. That fucking Lily just killed the band, mate."

"Yeah. Yeah, she did!"

"You know what? We should kill her, you know, for killing the band."

Wormtail's eyes lit up. "Yeah! We should! And we can make it look like Prongs and Padfoot did it, and start our folk band."

"Right bloody brilliant, we are."

:#:

The murder of Lily Evans did not exactly go off as planned, but it worked well enough.

The rest of the band -- namely, Padfoot -- kicked Prongs out of the band before Voldemort and Wormtail could put their plan in motion. James and Lily got a flat together, and James worked on a solo album. He got a great write-up from Dumbledore, and his career looked to be heading places.

Wormtail took over James's duties as lead singer. Although he had a much better singing voice than Prongs, he lacked the stage presence and attitude his predecessor possessed. The Marauders' popularity waned.

Voldemort and Wormtail were unable to get Lily -- now Lily Potter -- alone, so they decided to just kill both James and Lily together and frame it on Padfoot. Easy enough, really. Then, they acted outraged over the deaths of their "friends," went after Padfoot and Moony, and were "killed" in the confrontation. Padfoot was sent to prison, and Moony drifted all over Europe, and they never heard from them again.

A year later, Voldemort and Wormtail discovered a new type of music which appealed to them more then punk and folk combined. They retooled their musical sound and found a third member, and their signature song, "Stayin' Alive," hit the top of the charts.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author's Notes** : This story was also rec'ed by [](http://thefourthvine.livejournal.com/profile)[**thefourthvine**](http://thefourthvine.livejournal.com/) 's Slashy Awards [here](http://www.livejournal.com/users/thefourthvine/42268.html).


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